so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

this week's movie won so many friggin' awards that i feel it's only fair for me to hand out yet another one: the award for best old dude with a crazy ass beard goes to: ian mckellen as gandalf the grey! come on out here, ian!

ian mckellen: "oh my! oh, my word! how...i'm...i just don't know what to say. i never win anything. well, sometimes i do, but. this is...thank you starlor, thank you so very much!"

me: "you're welcome, ian. you really deserve it. that really was a crazy ass beard. is there anyone you'd like to thank?"

ian mckellen: *turns to camera* "why, yes. yes, there is. i'd like to thank peter jackson and all my fellow cast members on the lord of the rings. i'd like to thank all the makeup people for adorning me in my crazy beard. and most of all, i'd like to thank..."

kanye west: "YO IAN, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MA LET YOU FINISH..."

ian mckellen: "e-excuse me, sir? who are you?"

kanye west: "...BUT HULK HOGAN WAS THE BEST LORD OF THE RING OF ALL TIME!"

me: "kanye, no!!"

kanye west: "OF ALL TIME!!!!"*walks away*

me: "oh, kanye....*facepalm*"

ian mckellen: "such douchebaggery!"

- it's the lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring! (suggested, sort of, by xcollapsingcities)

the lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring

frodo's evil bling

endangers middle earth

gtfo, orcs!

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

'sup, homeskillets! honest to blog, this week's movie contained plenty of friggin' sweet advice about what to do if you get pregnant (but with like, a real baby - not like, one of those food babies and stuff). you can give the baby up for adoption, but make sure to check that the adopt-o-rents aren't a couple of baby-starved wingnuts first. if they're boss, then you can do the open adoption thing, but some peeps prefer to just kick it old school instead, y'know? like moses with the reeds. while you're preggers, taking care of yourself is way uber important, so you should avoid alcohol, cuz if you drink tons of booze, you could end up with one of those neuter babies that's born without junk. - it's juno!

p.s. prom is for wenises.

juno

juno gets preggers

her boyfriend noms on tic-tacs

her phone's a burger

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

this week's movie brought to life a magical, enchanting world filled with muggles and wizards, witches and trolls, unicorns and...um...pink hearts...and orange stars...and yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes...um...can't get enough of that cookie crisp...and trix are for kids...um, okay, maybe i'm getting my magical creatures confused with characters from breakfast cereals. BUT. that's okay, because this week's movie is chock full of vitamins and minerals and is totally part of a complete breakfast! - it's harry potter and the sorcerer's stone! (suggested by, like, everybody. i should really start keeping a suggestions log)

harry potter and the sorcerer's stone

owls deliver mail

hermione gets rick-trolled

harry wins at life

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

...except dogs (hate them so much!).

thanks,

-meowlorie.

p.s. i have a huge crush on that hottie from the fancy feast commercials. do you know how i could get in touch with him? he's dreamy.

- meowlorie

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

this week's movie gave birth to the classic quote: "that terminator is out there. it can't be bargained with. it can't be reasoned with. it doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. and it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!" i find myself using this quote on an almost daily basis lately, except that i replace the words "that terminator" with "jeffree star's music". - it's the terminator!

the terminator 

o, creepy robot

won't take "no" for an answer

now, he governates

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

this week's movie is one of director tim burton's most beloved films. it's beetlej-- huh? oh, hold on a minute, my producer, ann (she's wonderful, by the way), is giving me the "shh!" sign. what's the matter, ann? i was just going to tell everyone today's movie is beetlejuice. haha omg, ann's so cute. she just shrieked out loud for no reason. what? ann, what do you mean, i'm not supposed to say beetlejuice out loud three times? that's just silly! ann, where are you going?? why are you running away?? hahaha oh, she's so quirky and random. it must be because of all those indie bands she listens to. anyway, as i was saying, this is one of tim burton's most beloved films, and one of his only films not starring johnny depp. oh, wait. ann just texted me that johnny depp actually did have a small cameo as a lamp. who knew? - it's beetlejuice! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! OMG A GIANT LOLWUT PEAR JUST APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE!! OH, WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO ANN??? OW! AND NOW THE GIANT LOLWUT PEAR IS NOMMING ME!!!*

*the above was for dramatic purposes only. no handsome, charming, left-handed crappy haiku writers were harmed in the making of this journal.

a deceased couple

returns to pwn some yuppies

and dance calypso

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

while researching this week's movie i came across an amazing discovery: an unreleased song that was recorded, but never used in the film or soundtrack. see, hanging out in the dumpsters behind major movie studios isn't such a waste of time, after all! and now, without further ado, i present the lyrics to "i don't want to be a fish", as sung by ariel from the little mermaid (which was suggested ages ago by tigressanele)!

i don't want to be a fish

at night i wish
upon a star
that one day, i'll be able to drive a car
and run down the beach, and laugh and play
and not get my cheeks pinched by my aunt manta ray
every night, i ask for this simple wish
please, oh please, i don't want to be a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiishhhh

dochebaggy sharks are no fun
not to mention the fact that my mascara always runs
oh, i don't like being a fish

i dream of walking on the land
i'm tired of these octopii raiding my garbage cans
i don't want to be a fish

please dear neptune, i don't bother you often
i just don't want to have to marry a dolllllllphinnn

hey, evil sea witch, i'll make you a deal
i'll trade a pair of legs for my pet baby seal
oh, i don't want to be a fish

i'm tired of being cold and living in darkness
plus i don't want to end up like my cousin in a can of starkist
i don't want to be a fish

yes, the ocean is my home, and i'll miss my loved ones
but i'd like to have a seat at the x games, just once
i have just one wish
i don't want to be.....aaaaa.......fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiishhhh.

the little mermaid

a singing fish girl

wants to live above the waves

her best friend has fins

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

this week's movie is a mesmerizing trip into a fantasy land full of spooky owls, creeping goblins and swamps that apparently eat too many burritos. a desperate girl races against time to stop david bowie from transforming her baby brother into a demon child forever, and along the way she makes friends with monsters and a courageous fox, gets lost in a maze with invisible walls, develops amnesia after eating a magic peach, and is almost chopped in half by a giant metal machine wielding a huge axe! what you probably don't know is that this was never even intended to be a movie. a documentary film crew just happened to be following david bowie around with a camera one day in the early 80's and this was the result.  - it's labyrinth! (suggested by emoisforluvers)

labyrinth

sarah must rescue

her bro from ziggy stardust

whoa, this shit's trippy

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

what you probably don't know about this week's movie is that director wes anderson originally envisioned it as a superhero/sci-fi/action/comedy/drama, and was going to call it the royal xaviers. anderson and co-writer owen wilson's first draft screenplay was about a trio of gifted young mutants who grow up to become disillusioned adults after their professor abandons them as teenagers: there's wolverine, who must learn to love again after a bad breakup and having adamantium fused to his skeleton; storm, who slowly realizes that lightning isn't always the best way to settle disagreements (though it's usually the quickest); and rogue, who suffers a devastating identity crisis after absorbing too many people's powers and personalities. sadly the project was shelved when anderson was unable to convince gene hackman that dressing up as a troubled southern teenage girl with a white stripe in her hair would be total oscar bait. oh, what could've been, hackman...what could've been.  - it's the royal tenenbaums!

the royal tenenbaums

margot's adopted

chas wears a tracksuit always

richie's on a boat

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...

so once a week, i'll be dedicating a journal entry to a movie review in the form of a really crappy haiku. 

today's halloween classic so impressed stephenie meyer when she first saw it that she was inspired to write her own zombie horror drama comedy teen romance novel - due next year - in which an awkward, dark-haired girl falls madly in love with an angsty, hundred year old zombie named...um...schmedward...schmullen. annoyed at first by schmedward's persistent habit of being, like, totally undead, the girl, schmella, eventually realizes that she and schmedward are schmoulmates...uh, i mean soulmates. and besides, this being the stephenie meyer universe, being undead's actually not so bad. for example, in meyer's story, the zombies' skin is sparkly and smooth instead of rotting and stinky like regular zombies. also, in this story the zombies don't eat human flesh. they eat sushi! so basically in smeyer's world, being a zombie is a lot like being a cast member of the hills. oh you horrifying, sexy zombies, you. - it's return of the living dead!

return of the living dead

zombies ditch their graves

and run amok through the town

please hand them your brains

the end

p.s. feel free to hit me up with any suggestions, and you might just get to see one of your favorite movies summed up in a really crappy haiku...