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Urban Legend # 843 - Wal-Mart Is Run By Werewolves
Wal-Mart: For years, it's been a haven for anyone looking for affordable home appliances, disturbingly platonic bedding solutions and pants that make your ass look like a fifty year-old man’s. Some people say that Wal-Mart is the quintessential American success story, the vision of man who looked out over the American heartland one morning, saw nothing but row upon row of adorable little mom & pop stores, and said to himself, “hey, screw those suckers!” Other people think Wal-Mart is a heartless corporate monolith and an example of almost Robocopian levels of executive greed. But according to one popular urban legend (ie: the one I just made up), Wal-Mart is hiding a much darker secret than can be explained by merciless ambition and really bad khaki designers. Because according to Urban Legend #843, Wal-Mart is run by werewolves… Wal-Mart was founded in 1962 by a man named Sam Walton (pictured below on what appears to be some sort of early iPhone prototype).
Walton began his career in retail working at a J.C. Penney store in Des Moines, Iowa in 1940. Realizing how totally kickass it would be to have a store named after him, Walton decided to change his name to J.C. Penney, but since that meant he’d have to re-stitch the name tags on all his underwear, he decided to just open his own store instead. Thus, “Walton’s Five and Dime” was born, which later became Wal-Mart. Even early on, Wal-Mart was an astonishing success, so much so that within a few years, Walton had more money than he knew what to do with. And like most millionaires, he chose to enjoy his newfound wealth vacationing in the South of France, pigging out at “Burrito-gasm Thursdays” at Jaime’s Bar N’ Grill, and reading about the occult.
It’s speculated by people close to Walton at the time that he was heavily influenced by some of the occult literature he was reading, as evidenced by some of Wal-Mart’s 1973 third quarter business objectives, such as “increase profit margins on women’s sweatpants” and “more efficient harvesting of human souls”. Also, despite widespread objections from within the organization, Walton moved ahead with some controversial personnel decisions.
Perhaps not surprisingly, it was around this time that Wal-Mart shoppers first began reporting werewolf sightings. Shopper Ryan O’Malley recounts a harrowing experience he had while shopping at a Tampa Wal-Mart in November, 1980: “Yeah, so I’m just about done shopping, and I remembered I had to pick up some corned beef hash for the missus, you know, it being our anniversary and all. So I’m walking down the aisle, and all of the sudden, I hear this snarling, roaring beast behind me. So I turn around thinking it’s my mother-in-law, but no, it’s a werewolf. Holy cow! I gotta say, this thing mauled me pretty good, but I’m from Jersey originally, so you know... Still, I spent a few days in the hospital after they found me. And anyways, I get home and I’m thinking I got off Scott free - until the following month on the night of the full moon, that is. I’m sitting there in my living room watching Three’s Company, when suddenly I get this deep craving for human flesh. I just figured that meant it was time to make a run to White Castle, but next thing I know, I got all this fur on my hands and…make a long story short, I wake up the next morning in the wolf cage at the zoo, and my mother-in-law’s gone missing. And you know, that really upset me because that was one of my favorite episodes of Three’s Company.” The sightings continued unabated through the eighties. At one point, the Walton family even issued a statement through family spokesperson Iggy Walton (pictured below), reassuring the public that their store was in fact, werewolf-free, and that socks were half off that week.
(P.S. Don’t be alarmed. That’s just a Halloween photo. He’s dressed as a pirate.) By the late 1980’s, Wal-Mart had a major public relations problem. Shoppers, unconvinced by Wal-Mart executive reassurances, were reluctant to risk being ripped apart in the most horrific way possible every time they needed a jumbo bag of Cheetos. They began flocking to Wal-Mart’s competitor KMart in droves, where they’d only have to deal with rampant gang violence and the occasional ninja. Ironically, an aging Sam Walton wasn’t very interested in Wal-Mart’s public perception at this point in his career. Instead, he spent most of his time impressing employees at company meetings with his kickass Tai Chi poses.
After Walton’s death in 1992, Wal-Mart executives decided the company needed an image facelift. They even hired a couple of big-time ad experts to come up with a slogan that both encompassed a new corporate philosophy and appealed to customers. As it turned out, the task was even more challenging than planned…
Wal-Mart: Save Money. Live Better. Eventually, the ad campaign was a success. The werewolf rumors began to fade, and little by little, shoppers started to return to Wal-Mart. But was there any truth behind the urban legend? To investigate, I called a few Wal-Mart stores in the region. Unfortunately, all I got was Wal-Mart employee after Wal-Mart employee vehemently denying that they were cursed to wander the Earth on the three nights of the full moon, tortured by an agony that can only be quenched by the mauling and subsequent chowing- down-on of human flesh. And as we all know, the first sign of being a werewolf is denial…
Finally, I did get the name of a store manager, Sam Quigley, who was unavailable for comment, though a quick Google search turned up this photo:
In conclusion, I can’t really say I’ve seen enough hard evidence to declare Wal-Mart a werewolf infested death trap. But I will say that any time you have massive amounts of money, demonic forces and discount prices on snack foods together in the same place, it’s a sure recipe for trouble. So remember…the next time you’re shopping at Wal-Mart, and it’s getting late, and the moon is full, and the store is almost empty…and you hear a sound behind you in the aisles…it might be nothing. But beware, because it just might be some razor-fanged horror from the very depths of Hell, hungering for your sweet, mortal flesh… Mwuhahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! …Oh, or it might be Pablo the cleaning guy, because he stays late too sometimes. I heard he’s really nice. The End
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Great journal!
and I always thought it was run by aliens. You have proved me wrong.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
&also. I live down the street from a Wal-Mart. D: